Numb. Half Dead. Broken.
I remember crying on the couch asking him, “Don’t you want to be with us?” There was a lifetime of pain seeping through that one question. All placed on one man who could not possibly have carried that burden.
Being wanted.
That was my wound (and is still, if I am being honest). A wound that was there long before I grew up. A wound that was never intentionally inflicted, but somehow made it’s way into my life and shaped how I live it.
I could feel myself slipping away from God. I couldn’t seem to figure out how to be wife, mom and me all at the same time. Some women end up back in church a week or two after the baby is born. It took me two years. I did not know this person I had become. I had always believed myself to be quite capable. Able to get through the tough stuff, but this me felt alone (even though I was married) and weighed down by all of the family responsibility. It felt like I was slowly drowning within a few steps of my loved ones, but no one noticed.
So, I begged God to hold on to me because I could not hold on to Him. I don’t think I have ever felt so lost in all of my life.
It’s amazing how our beautiful minds find ways to cope. It was as though I built a tall stone tower for myself. Like the one I imagine when I think of Rapunzel. No way in and no way out. Cold, stone, isolated. Without realizing it, the foundation had been laid in my childhood, but the walls went up quickly during my marriage. It wasn’t until the whirlwind of divorce was over, the papers signed, the court dates complete, the every-other-weekend schedule well established that I could see the walls of my prison.
Part of those walls were constructed with a deep belief that I was a disappointment to God. How could I have gotten this so wrong? How could I have screwed this up so bad? How can you still love me after all these failings?
And that is when the mortar of that tower began to crumble. The very God who stayed with me during the hurricane of my life, began to break me free from the prison I created. Little by little, His truth began to take root again within my soul. And those walls came crashing down. But the work had just begun.
I knew when I was trapped in that tower that if I could just get out, then I’d be free. And freedom sounded so glorious. But often freedom comes after a battle. Inside that tower was an emotional mess I had no idea existed. At times, it felt so overwhelming that all I could do was look up at God and confess I couldn’t do it anymore. And He always reminded me that it was in His hands, His control and not mine. That He had a plan I had to do my best to trust and that the alternative (going back to the tower or living without God) was a worse option than fighting the battle for true freedom.
And day by day, sometimes hour by hour, the battle was won. But not without trusting God to hold my fragile and broken pieces. That meant I could’t blame him for the pain He could have stopped, the marriage He could have saved, the loss of life he could have spared. I had to surrender and learn to trust that all things work together for my good, even the stuff that gets taken away that I wanted more than anything else. It’s a very vulnerable place to be. He helped me get to a place where I wanted Him more than anything else.
That battle was also not won without allowing Him to shed light on the ways that I had been wrong, getting in my own way or creating the “yuck” in my life. To learn humility and honesty in the safest place imaginable, the arms of our Creator.
My identify and worth are now in God alone. My existence was created for God alone. What if God told you that He created you simply to delight Him? Not to “do” things to help others, or to be a “good” parent, employee, church volunteer, but to only exist because He wanted you. Would that be enough for you? If you can find a way to work with God to let whatever HE has planned for your life be enough for you, then you’re already winning the battle.
You see the beauty of that place is found in Philippians 2 and Ephesians 2. For it is God who works in you to will (want to do, have a desire to do) and to do for His good pleasure - Phil 2:13. For you are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do - Eph 2:10. So what He has for you He has written on your heart as a desire that will delight Him. No divorce, death, job loss or financial burden can stand in the way of what God has set in advance for you.
But you can get in the way of it. You can deny the desires of your heart and “do” what is expected vs what God has directed. Or you can decide you’re not enough (strong, young, smart, pretty) to accomplish what is written on your heart. You can also choose to ignore the bitterness, unforgiveness, anger or fear you stuff away.
Freedom comes with a price. But the price has been paid via the cross which allows you access to the still powerful, still active, still fully alive King of the world. Let God do the work within you to transform your heart. He does not need your help, rather He desires your openness to draw close to Him as He trades your laborious and heavy burdened “yoke” for His (Matt 11:28-30).